Okay, so I'm not really that hip....or hip at all. But maybe the header will lure someone into reading this pitiful blog.
I really do enjoy writing, but I have always been the sort of self-absorbed person to enjoy writing more when I know someone will, or could, read it. People are always saying that a great stress reducer is to write down your thoughts, even if it's in a private journal or in a letter you are just going to throw away. I'm frankly too lazy to do that, because I feel a little silly writing to myself, which is essentially what I'm doing now, but I can tell myself that someday, this might be read....or at least skimmed?
I named this "Mom Diggity" as in "Bomb Diggity", that annoying phrase from the 90's. I gave my blog this title because I'm not very creative or clever, and because this is in fact another mom blog (yes, feel free to stop reading). A stay-at-home-mom blog, in fact. There are thousands of these, and very little of them discuss more than the benefits (and downfalls) of cloth diapering, the latest adorable thing their little one has uttered, and usually some generic quotes about how very beautiful the little things in life truly are, and I totally agree that they are indeed, but aren't there any moms out there who feel like just bitching with me? Because sometimes the little things really suck, even if the big picture is so bright and joyful that they instantly disappear when you consider your good fortune.
But honestly, there are some days. I didn't even realize how far apart my partner and I were becoming until our son quite literally knocked him out of our bed. We fell into the co-sleeping trap. I don't want to discuss the pros and cons of bed sharing, as many moms feel very passionate one way or the other. All I want to say is that we started it accidentally, as a means to survive, and now I don't know what to do. Our bed is only full sized (yeah, I think this is one of the zillion reasons I don't feel like a true "grown up" yet, because I haven't had the money to graduate to a big-girl bed) and our baby is very large, and he has started to whack my partner in the night with his cold, clammy fists. The sad thing is that I miss my partner, but not enough to attempt that awful sleep-training thing wherein you are required to listen to YOUR baby wail in his crib. Frankly I enjoy having more room in the bed, and I am thankful we have a pull-out couch for my sweet boyfriend, albeit a crappy, stiff one.
So, night time togetherness is gone. Day time togetherness was never an option, between a full time college course load and his dumb job slicing deli meat so we can pay for diapers. And evening togetherness, you ask? Well, our son likes to go to bed around 10:00PM, and sleep until about 7:00AM. And he still wakes up to eat in the night. Meaning, I have to go to bed when he does or I'm scary the next day. So...that's it. It's the three of us now. And we adore him fiercely, (which is so obvious it doesn't need to be said) but I have read countless times that for your own sanity, and for your relationship to stay "healthy", you need couple time.
Who writes that shit? People without kids? 'Cause...it's beyond difficult. I know my child isn't the only one with an unfortunate sleep schedule. I get annoyed sometimes until I remember he is only 3.5 months old. By the time he is 9 months, I am hoping I can figure out this parenting thing and he will have an 8:00PM bedtime, give or take. But for now...We are still getting to know him, and to show him he can trust us. He is very social. He likes to be held very often. He is very young and needy. We are too wary, and broke, and to hire some college skank to watch him while we go out. And family? We live 1.5 hours away from the nearest possibility. We're lucky that way.
So, for now, it's in our job description to just suck it up and realize it's not about us anymore, it's about our son and what he needs. The first week he was home, I learned that even if I am so hungry I feel dizzy, he still gets to nurse before I can make a sandwich, if he chooses. The pain of my stomach growling is way more preferable to listening to my helpless baby cry. "Healthy" or not, we have had to forfeit our togetherness. And for the record, I am not just talking about sex, cause I'm still "whatever" about that (shh, don't tell him), I'm talking about having conversations, laughing, enjoying each others company. I am lucky in that I had a baby with my best friend, and we have always had a lot of fun together. At the very least, we are not arguing, so that has to count for something. I don't think we have the time to argue, but unlike a lot of new moms, (not most, but a lot), I am not bitter (Okay, maybe shooting him dirty looks at 4:00AM during the third feeding of the night came from a tiny bitter place, the only place that wishes my boyfriend had boobs so he could feed our son). He works hard for us, and hopefully things will straighten themselves out in the future. (Moms of older children are laughing right now, as they know better).
Last night, my partner's sister and her boyfriend came over, a rarity. Once I got baby to bed (only took 3 tries!) we enjoyed a few beers with some ridiculously silly board game action. At one point I laughed so hard I was crying. That hadn't happened in months....years? I forgot how much I liked having friends, (even if they are family, and so compelled to hang out with us once in a while) and felt vaguely sad that I don't have any. And no, I'm not being dramatic or exaggerating. Unfortunately, I have none. I had a few in my hometown, but we moved away to attend this irritating and mind-numbing place called "college", and now...well, we're parents, and they're not. What I really, really long for are some mommy friends, but where we live is so pathetic that there are NO mommy/baby groups. Fantastic. It is the sole reason I am addicted to my message boards, that there are people with whom I can RELATE. I want to pick them all up and move them into my apartment complex. What I wouldn't give for something as mundane as having someone over for a cup of coffee, watching our babies wriggle on the floor as we discuss the color/consistency of their bowel movements. I have always been a social creature, I am almost finished with my Psychology degree just because I always want to know more about people. It does take me some time to warm up to a person, but when I do, I am very easy to talk to, trustworthy, and caring. And I am not a total dolt. It baffles me a tad that the only true friend I have (besides my guy) lives halfway across the country and we haven't been able to speak in months. But then I remember that I think writing "penis" on the corner of my boyfriends math homework is funny. Hm. I think I might be detrimentally silly. I love talking about mom crap but I also like talking about books to read, things to do (and yes, I do still have goals for my life, even though I have baby), places to go, and which recent commercial is most annoying-yet-catchy.
So anyway, though I am a mom, a full-time mom, as they say (even though moms who work outside of the home are full-time moms as well, it's not like you can EVER shut off your mom status) this blog is about life. This blog will at times be melancholy and depressing, and at times it will be bursting with the energy that too much coffee brings. Sometimes it will drag on much too long with very little point (like today) and sometimes it might end abruptly after one sentence because the little guy has decided to wake up screaming in his cushy little throne known as the swing (though if I had an adult-sized cushy, swinging throne with music and toys, I don't think I would ever want to leave). I may very well blab on about the newest thing my little cherub has learned to do, or it may be the furthest thing from my immediate consciousness, which doesn't make me a lesser mother. I believe that letting go of some guilt is essential for most parents. If you are trying your best, (and I am talking about the majority of parents that I know who really do try, because they are crazy in love with their kids, not the ones who are just plain crazy and would rather play world of warcraft then pay attention to their baby), then, you are doing just fine. Better than fine. If you love your child, your child will know that, and benefit from it. I know it's easier said than done, but you don't have to force yourself to be an award winning parent all the time, or feel guilty if/when you take shortcuts. I know I just went on and on about sacrificing intimacy with my partner for the sake of the baby, but that's different, because that's often just plain necessary, and in my opinion, fair to baby. I'm talking about those times that you are so desperate to eat a meal without a wriggling, bored baby on your lap that you turn his bouncy seat toward the TV so he will be distracted long enough for you to shove some sustenance into your mouth (Okay, so maybe that's just me. Maybe most of you are adamant about not turning your baby's brain into mush and so you will keep the box off until their 2nd birthday. Good for you, but I'm sure there are things you are lax about it, too).
Those are the times that guilt, at least for me, has to take a backseat. I know I love my son, and I know that he knows I love him, even if he can't articulate it in his mind yet, he feels it. And he loves me. And I don't know exactly how the rest of our lives will turn out, but I do know that my blood sugar being low can only make things worse, and in that way, he will benefit from watching a little bit of "Cake Boss" (mm, cake. Is anyone else irritated by that guy's overly dramatic voice, though?) Speaking of eating, naptime is still going and I haven't done that yet. Time to forgo the witty closing line, and run.