Friday, December 31, 2010

Happy 2011

This post will be much shorter than I meant it to be because someone decided to wake up from his nap right before I clicked the "new post" button. However, he did nap for about 45 minutes which is about 35 minutes longer than usual and very rare these days so I am happy. He is currently sitting on my lap and looking up at me with wide, curious brown eyes which is the sweetest thing ever. Did I mention yet that we discovered he has a dimple, on his right cheek only, same as mommy? I think my heart might literally give out from love overload one of these days. Anyway.

I intended to update this blog way more than it has been updated, but things happen of course. I don't need to tell you that. I could blame it on the Holidays but the truth is being a mom in general is just time consuming. And that's all I do! I still don't work, in the traditional sense. Though I am starting school again on the 31st (of January) which is bittersweet. Just 2 classes but they are tough ones and they will come with homework, which is something that will compete with Jackson for my undivided attention. But I do need to finish my degree, for Jackson's sake, and on the plus side his dad is quitting his job when the semester starts so we can both do the school thing and actually spend time together as a family on nights and weekends (what a concept).

So, it's been a quite a year. The best one of my life, easily, and the most momentous. 2010 brought me more love than I thought fathomable. I am a better person than I was at this time last year. I am changed, and I am whole.

Somehow my little guy is going to be 6 months old (half a year!!) in about two weeks. Honestly I know I was warned time and time again by veteran parents that it was going to go by fast, but jeez. The other day I was watching my son sit up unassisted and I had a mental flashback of him as a newborn, a couple of weeks old, blinking up at me. A flashback already! Because he looks so different than when he was born, my little baby, my first, my precious. It's a bit sad and almost makes me want to have another.


Seriously, even if money was not an issue, we would be waiting a while. Don't get me wrong, I want him to have a sibling but...I just don't think I could do it. I need to give myself time, my body, my mind, and also I feel as though Jackson deserves my attention. I remember how ass-draggingly exhausted I was for the first few months of my pregnancy and if I had to get up several times a night while feeling like that? No good, for anyone. And yes, Jackson still wakes up several times per night. I don't look at the clock anymore. I am not obsessed with him "sleeping through the night" anymore. He is a baby, I am his mother, and we are nursing. I will give him what he needs until he doesn't need it anymore. I have learned to adjust.

So anyway, it is New Years Eve. Of course, the boyfriend/daddy is working tonight, AND tomorrow, because his boss didn't get the message about it being a national holiday. Ah, well. Not like we would be out partying. My babe and I will do our usual thing (which now includes him eating some dinner with me, how fun!) and I may treat myself to some white zinfandel when he goes to sleep. I will most likely be in bed by 10:30, as usual. I didn't watch the ball drop last year either, newly pregnant as I was, and I see no point this year. I am going to celebrate the ending of the year by finally going through our clothes and putting away/donating the ones we don't wear, including my maternity clothes and Jackson's newborn attire, both of which are still hanging in our closets (I know, I'm lazy). Out with the old...

I don't make New Years resolutions because I feel like you shouldn't need an excuse to better yourself. I try to be the best I can be every day, even if lately most of that energy goes into trying to be the best mom I can be, because right now that is my job. I do have goals, and my most important one for 2011 is to get the Hell out of here. In five months our lease will be up and we are moving far away from this desolate wasteland of idiotic college students and...not much else. Our original plan was to move back "home" (where we grew up, an hour and a half away) but now we are looking at schools down by where my mother lives (and where my sister will live soon), about five hours away. I would love nothing more than to be near my family and start over. I am just waiting for boyfriend/daddy to get on board. Lovely area, great schools, and family. What more could you ask for? I can't wait, I daydream about it every day.

Must attend to my wiggle worm, but I wish all of you a wonderful New Years Eve. Please drink responsibly.

Auld Lang Syne (New Years eve song)

Should old acquaintances be forgotten,
And never brought to mind?
Should old acquaintances be forgotten,
And days of long ago

For old long ago, my dear
For old long ago,
We will take a cup of kindness yet
For old long ago.

We two have run about the hillsides
And pulled the daisies fine,
But we have wandered many a weary foot
For old long ago.

We two have paddled (waded) in the stream
From noon until dinner time,
But seas between us broad have roared
Since old long ago.

And there is a hand, my trusty friend,
And give us a hand of yours,
And we will take a goodwill draught (of ale)
For old long ago

And surely you will pay for your pint,
And surely I will pay for mine!
And we will take a cup of kindness yet
For old long ago!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

So, um.

The water is dark brown in my apartment. Again. I wish if they were going to work on the water that they would at least give us notice? Because it's kind of annoying not knowing why it's dirty or when it's going to be better. Or, the other (shitty) possibility is that my landlord/maintenance guy doesn't even KNOW it's brown, and that it's just my apartment. I certainly hope that's not the case because then I would have to call them, again, and I already do that just about once a week thanks to this lovely place and all it's fun happenings.

Either way, I can't take a shower. And I smell. I don't smell like BO or anything, but I'm sure I have spit up in my hair, and it's definitely on my clothes. I'm one of those people who HAS to shower every morning or I can't go anywhere. Even if I don't plan on going anywhere, I still have to shower. It makes me feel better. And I really did want to get out today, because it finally stopped raining (though it is 30 deg F) and J babe needs some fresh air. Oh well guess I'll just stay in my PJs and brew another pot of coffee.

...and clean up the pee that Jackson just deposited all over his nursery, including on his teddy bear's head. Poor teddy bear.

Monday, November 8, 2010

For selective eyes only

So this blog is only to be read by the lovely ladies of For some reason I have less of a problem sharing TMI with essential strangers than I do with people I know personally. I was about to put the link on my Facebook page but then I thought, "Are you freakin' nuts?!" There is no way I can let everyone on my friends list read what I wrote in even my first blog entry. I talk about sex, for crying out loud. Can't let my mother in law read that (Okay, so she's technically not my mother in law because I'm not married, but close enough). I don't know enough about this site to figure out how to make things "private" and I'm not really sure I want to because I want the JM ladies to be able to find it/read it. However I'm pretty sure that for some reason if someone wanted to search for my blog, they would find me right away. Hopefully though, I have no stalkers and the chances of that happening are pretty low.

I suppose I could always delete the first post and start all over again, not mentioning anything potentially embarrassing, but then what fun is that? I want to write about what I feel, and a lot of the time, what I feel is embarrassing. So, I apologize to the August 2010 PR, but you are my sole audience of this mindless dribble.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Okay, I lied.

Okay, so I'm not really that hip....or hip at all. But maybe the header will lure someone into reading this pitiful blog.

I really do enjoy writing, but I have always been the sort of self-absorbed person to enjoy writing more when I know someone will, or could, read it. People are always saying that a great stress reducer is to write down your thoughts, even if it's in a private journal or in a letter you are just going to throw away. I'm frankly too lazy to do that, because I feel a little silly writing to myself, which is essentially what I'm doing now, but I can tell myself that someday, this might be read....or at least skimmed?

I named this "Mom Diggity" as in "Bomb Diggity", that annoying phrase from the 90's. I gave my blog this title because I'm not very creative or clever, and because this is in fact another mom blog (yes, feel free to stop reading). A stay-at-home-mom blog, in fact. There are thousands of these, and very little of them discuss more than the benefits (and downfalls) of cloth diapering, the latest adorable thing their little one has uttered, and usually some generic quotes about how very beautiful the little things in life truly are, and I totally agree that they are indeed, but aren't there any moms out there who feel like just bitching with me? Because sometimes the little things really suck, even if the big picture is so bright and joyful that they instantly disappear when you consider your good fortune.

But honestly, there are some days. I didn't even realize how far apart my partner and I were becoming until our son quite literally knocked him out of our bed. We fell into the co-sleeping trap. I don't want to discuss the pros and cons of bed sharing, as many moms feel very passionate one way or the other. All I want to say is that we started it accidentally, as a means to survive, and now I don't know what to do. Our bed is only full sized (yeah, I think this is one of the zillion reasons I don't feel like a true "grown up" yet, because I haven't had the money to graduate to a big-girl bed) and our baby is very large, and he has started to whack my partner in the night with his cold, clammy fists.  The sad thing is that I miss my partner, but not enough to attempt that awful sleep-training thing wherein you are required to listen to YOUR baby wail in his crib. Frankly I enjoy having more room in the bed, and I am thankful we have a pull-out couch for my sweet boyfriend, albeit a crappy, stiff one.

So, night time togetherness is gone. Day time togetherness was never an option, between a full time college course load and his dumb job slicing deli meat so we can pay for diapers. And evening togetherness, you ask? Well, our son likes to go to bed around 10:00PM, and sleep until about 7:00AM. And he still wakes up to eat in the night. Meaning, I have to go to bed when he does or I'm scary the next day. So...that's it. It's the three of us now. And we adore him fiercely, (which is so obvious it doesn't need to be said) but I have read countless times that for your own sanity, and for your relationship to stay "healthy", you need couple time.

Who writes that shit? People without kids? ''s beyond difficult. I know my child isn't the only one with an unfortunate sleep schedule. I get annoyed sometimes until I remember he is only 3.5 months old. By the time he is 9 months, I am hoping I can figure out this parenting thing and he will have an 8:00PM bedtime, give or take. But for now...We are still getting to know him, and to show him he can trust us. He is very social. He likes to be held very often. He is very young and needy. We are too wary, and broke, and to hire some college skank to watch him while we go out. And family? We live 1.5 hours away from the nearest possibility. We're lucky that way.

So, for now, it's in our job description to just suck it up and realize it's not about us anymore, it's about our son and what he needs. The first week he was home, I learned that even if I am so hungry I feel dizzy, he still gets to nurse before I can make a sandwich, if he chooses. The pain of my stomach growling is way more preferable to listening to my helpless baby cry. "Healthy" or not, we have had to forfeit our togetherness. And for the record, I am not just talking about sex, cause I'm still "whatever" about that (shh, don't tell him), I'm talking about having conversations, laughing, enjoying each others company. I am lucky in that I had a baby with my best friend, and we have always had a lot of fun together. At the very least, we are not arguing, so that has to count for something. I don't think we have the time to argue, but unlike a lot of new moms, (not most, but a lot), I am not bitter (Okay, maybe shooting him dirty looks at 4:00AM during the third feeding of the night came from a tiny bitter place, the only place that wishes my boyfriend had boobs so he could feed our son). He works hard for us, and hopefully things will straighten themselves out in the future. (Moms of older children are laughing right now, as they know better).

Last night, my partner's sister and her boyfriend came over, a rarity. Once I got baby to bed (only took 3 tries!) we enjoyed a few beers with some ridiculously silly board game action. At one point I laughed so hard I was crying. That hadn't happened in months....years? I forgot how much I liked having friends, (even if they are family, and so compelled to hang out with us once in a while) and felt vaguely sad that I don't have any. And no, I'm not being dramatic or exaggerating. Unfortunately, I have none. I had a few in my hometown, but we moved away to attend this irritating and mind-numbing place called "college", and now...well, we're parents, and they're not. What I really, really long for are some mommy friends, but where we live is so pathetic that there are NO mommy/baby groups. Fantastic. It is the sole reason I am addicted to my message boards, that there are people with whom I can RELATE. I want to pick them all up and move them into my apartment complex. What I wouldn't give for something as mundane as having someone over for a cup of coffee, watching our babies wriggle on the floor as we discuss the color/consistency of their bowel movements. I have always been a social creature, I am almost finished with my Psychology degree just because I always want to know more about people. It does take me some time to warm up to a person, but when I do, I am very easy to talk to, trustworthy, and caring. And I am not a total dolt. It baffles me a tad that the only true friend I have (besides my guy) lives halfway across the country and we haven't been able to speak in months. But then I remember that I think writing "penis" on the corner of my boyfriends math homework is funny. Hm. I think I might be detrimentally silly. I love talking about mom crap but I also like talking about books to read, things to do (and yes, I do still have goals for my life, even though I have baby), places to go, and which recent commercial is most annoying-yet-catchy.

So anyway, though I am a mom, a full-time mom, as they say (even though moms who work outside of the home are full-time moms as well, it's not like you can EVER shut off your mom status) this blog is about life. This blog will at times be melancholy and depressing, and at times it will be bursting with the energy that too much coffee brings. Sometimes it will drag on much too long with very little point (like today) and sometimes it might end abruptly after one sentence because the little guy has decided to wake up screaming in his cushy little throne known as the swing (though if I had an adult-sized cushy, swinging throne with music and toys, I don't think I would ever want to leave). I may very well blab on about the newest thing my little cherub has learned to do, or it may be the furthest thing from my immediate consciousness, which doesn't make me a lesser mother. I believe that letting go of some guilt is essential for most parents. If you are trying your best, (and I am talking about the majority of parents that I know who really do try, because they are crazy in love with their kids, not the ones who are just plain crazy and would rather play world of warcraft then pay attention to their baby), then, you are doing just fine. Better than fine. If you love your child, your child will know that, and benefit from it. I know it's easier said than done, but you don't have to force yourself to be an award winning parent all the time, or feel guilty if/when you take shortcuts. I know I just went on and on about sacrificing intimacy with my partner for the sake of the baby, but that's different, because that's often just plain necessary, and in my opinion, fair to baby. I'm talking about those times that you are so desperate to eat a meal without a wriggling, bored baby on your lap that you turn his bouncy seat toward the TV so he will be distracted long enough for you to shove some sustenance into your mouth (Okay, so maybe that's just me. Maybe most of you are adamant about not turning your baby's brain into mush and so you will keep the box off until their 2nd birthday. Good for you, but I'm sure there are things you are lax about it, too).

Those are the times that guilt, at least for me, has to take a backseat. I know I love my son, and I know that he knows I love him, even if he can't articulate it in his mind yet, he feels it. And he loves me. And I don't know exactly how the rest of our lives will turn out, but I do know that my blood sugar being low can only make things worse, and in that way, he will benefit from watching a little bit of  "Cake Boss" (mm, cake. Is anyone else irritated by that guy's overly dramatic voice, though?) Speaking of eating, naptime is still going and I haven't done that yet. Time to forgo the witty closing line, and run.